Rose without wings

In starting an online blog, my hope was it would encourage me in the discipline of writing, something I very much enjoy. One aspect of writing that is especially rewarding is when I can utilize writing to capture moments. And yet, with so many demands on my time, I have not been able to focus in this area as much as I would like.

Here is, however, a moment from last week.

It was just before bed and Abigail was looking through her picture Bible. She came to a picture of Jesus on the cross.


"Momma, look at Jesus. Why did he died?" I then proceeded to again explain the need for his death. She looked quite confused throughout my explanation. When I was finished, she, with great enthusiasm yelled, “But, He was raised from being dead.” And then a few seconds later, “But he didn’t have wings.”

Shopping List

In reading Moriah has recently begun working with words containing vowels teams and silent letters. She has learned that “ce” makes the /s/ sound, along with “ci” and “cy”. Otherwise “c” makes the /k/ sound. I came home from work this morning and Moriah wanted to show me the shopping list she had made. See if you can sort out her list.

Milc = Milk
Cracrce = crackers
Aplce = apples
Bnanuce = Bananas
Peenutce = Peanuts
Maencoce = Mangoes
Aplceoce = Apple sauce

Independence can hurt

This morning I wake up to a muffled crying. After a few seconds of consciousness, I identify the cry. It’s Abigail. I look at the clock - 7:30am. I’ve overslept. I stumble out of bed and into the hallway. With tears streaming down her face, she informs me, “The knife cut me.” I look at her hand; blood is smeared across multiple fingertips.

“Show me where.” I wipe her hand and see the wound, just a small cut on one finger. I ask her to explain further. From her bits of unorganized explaining, amidst her tears, I gather that she was cutting cheese. “Let’s go downstairs.” I then discover two plates set at the table with food, one with a very large serrated knife across it and a block of cheese, partially cut. She has “made” breakfast. She continues to tell me about cutting the cheese and that she did Moriah’s, but hers wouldn’t work, and that the apple needs to be cut, and that she can’t open the applesauce, it’s stuck.

She is so excited telling about breakfast, she has momentarily forgotten about her finger. And then she remembers. A smile crawls across her face as she says, “I get a Band-Aid; it’s bleeding.” A very stingy mommy with Band-Aids gets her one and proceeds to give the lecture about not using sharp knives. When Moriah wakes, Abigail is so excited to show her that she made her breakfast: cheese, apple, 2 plums, Triscuit crackers, zucchini bread, and vanilla yogurt. (I opt to not open the applesauce.)

David had warned me that I might discover the girls “making” breakfast. Many mornings they wake up before we get out of bed and go downstairs to quietly play. David had told me about the morning the week before when Moriah and Abigail together had set out breakfast. The mornings I work they often “make” breakfast with Daddy, and he allows them to help doing anything they can that does not include cooking. Moriah informed me that, “Daddy even lets us cut.” He promptly clarified they had cut bananas into pieces with a butter knife. The morning they prepared breakfast for him while he was still sleeping, Moriah had even devised that they pick flowers to put on the table. He was blessed at the special spread they had prepared, including poured lemonade with straws.

We have subsequently had discussions with both the girls about not getting food out without permission or using knives, especially sharp ones. We both struggle with giving them hard words when in their hearts they really wanted to bring blessing.

3 year old Abigail with her Band-Aid

Faith of a Child

“Mommy, you know that tree we just passed with flowers on it? Daddy said a little girl was in a car crash there and she died. He said that her mommy and daddy put those flowers there for her.
When I get to Heaven I want to be her friend. You think I can make friends with her?” (Moriah)

Dessauer

"Man is a creature who depends entirely on revelation. In all his intellectual endeavor, he should always listen, always be intent to hear and see. He should not strive to superimpose the structures of his own mind, his systems of thought upon reality. ... At the beginning of all spiritual endeavor stands humility, and he who loses it can achieve no other heights than the heights of disillusionment."
(Dr. Friedrich Dessauer, atomic physicist)

I like to collect quotes that capture my attention. They might catch my attention because I identify with the speaker or because they proclaim truth in a way that others haven’t or because they speak into my heart and sometimes just because I am unable to digest or resolve the written words and I want to work them out. Some years ago I found this quote from Dr. Dessauer. It caught my attention then as truth and it still speaks to me now, despite that I am still deciphering in full what he is conveying and I seem to pull out something different each time I read it. More recently the word humility jumped off the page as this is an area I am working in my life.

From time to time I pick up Humility: The Journey Toward Holiness by Andrew Murray and continue to battle against my flesh. In the forward, Donna Portow writes, “The truly humble person walks with absolute confidence, knowing that we are simply empty vessels through whom God wants to accomplish his work.” She further discusses that being an empty vessel embraces that it is not about us at all, it’s about God. Murray states, “ . . . meekness and lowliness of heart are the chief marks by which they who follow the Lamb of God are to be known.” Yes, I have come to grips that I am a prideful woman full of self and letting go of self is no easy task. Walking in humility is a lifestyle and one not often modeled.

Now that I am big ...

Moriah turned 4 years old on October 27th and she will tell you that she is big now. I am inclined to agree with her. Since her birthday she has repeatedly mentioned different things that she can do now or should be allowed to do, “Now that I am big …” And she has told her little sister Abigail “When you’re big like me, then you can …” Despite her being big, Grandma will tell you that she is just “a little bit for being 4.”

How did my little one, all of a sudden, turn 4? You see, that is how it feels – all of a sudden. David and I were expecting, and then our baby Moriah was in our arms, and then she was four. It happened just like that – just as I said. I think I missed something in between the new babe in arms and this now 4 year old, because I realized the other day I now have 3 children. I have told many people that this year has been the fastest of my life. Does each year just keep coming faster? Should I begin to plan my memorial service?

I often look through pictures to help remember a year or a season of life. When I sit and just reflect, it is all a blur in my memory. In recapturing this last year of Moriah’s life, I have included for you a few glimpses into her 3rd year as she now embarks on her 4th.

Christmas Tree Farm -Thanksgiving Weekend – 1 month after her 3rd birthday

New Year’s 2008 – at Papa’s in Michigan and loving the snow

Moriah began ballet in March and dances at the Petaluma School of Ballet weekly. The highlight for her thus far was the ballet showcase in which she performed in June at the Veterans Memorial Hall. She has asked ever since when she can perform again.

Moriah’s new baby sister, Ella, came into her life on June 19th. Moriah has been so sweet and gentle with her, and also very helpful. She especially loves to snuggle with Ella.

Moriah had been confidently riding her little tricycle when she was given a princess bicycle from her friend (and neighbor), Nadia. Despite having had a little hand-me-down bicycle, it wasn’t until she got her princess bike that she was willing to try and ride a two wheeler. And now she is quite aggressive in riding her princess bicycle. So, when does one take the training wheels off?

Moriah decided this year she was big enough to get the mail. One day she asked me if she could go get the mail. I thought she meant with me. The next thing I knew, she had gotten a stool and was outside getting the mail. She loves getting the mail after nap time.

This summer Moriah made a huge jump in being able to string together sounds of letters and is now successfully reading. As mentioned in an October posting, her BOB Books has been her favorite way of practicing (she is now in box #3).

This September some good friends told us about Valley Baptist, Petaluma, facilitating AWANAs (Bible Club) and they were sending their son, who is a good friend of Moriah’s. Moriah also began, as a Cubby, and very much looks forward to weekly doing her project assignments and taking them to show Miss Charlene. Here she is wearing her vest and carrying her bag with workbook.

Moriah has continued to have a great affection for horses and for her birthday she really wanted a pony party like we did for her 2nd birthday party. However, instead we enrolled her in a Horsemanship Clinic at Howarth Park in Santa Rosa …

and then had a Tea Party at our home with friends.

Happy Birthday Moriah!

My Abigail

This is My Abigail. She loves life and loves to laugh. She also readily expresses her discontent with a situation and loudly if she can get away with it. Watching her, I am reminded of a pendulum. Suspended from a fixed point, the pendulum swings freely back and forth. The higher or farther it swings in one direction, it swings equally as high or far in the opposite. It cannot swing the full distance one direction without having swung the full distance in the other.

Abigail’s life and experiences are much like a pendulum. She experiences things fully. She is often absolutely grinning with all teeth revealed, eyes dancing as she laughs, and then a short time later in tears, she is inconsolable due to some “tragedy.” She loves to run as fast as her little legs will carry her, and yet can also be found in a heap on the floor in frustration or disappointment. She experiences her elation even greater if others will join her in her smiling and laughing, and yet she also has no shame in her crying or expressing her unhappiness.

Watch out for that swinging pendulum. The only way Abigail is able to experience the fullness of one emotion is her willingness to experience its opposite. We can all learn from Abigail, me especially. I have often wished for more joy in my life, but yet I choose to guard myself from hurt and pain and subsequently anything that might cause it. And so my pendulum swings with minimal movement - little pain, little joy, little pain, little joy. What a boring life!

David and I felt enormous responsibility when we were naming each of our girls. We believed that God had already chosen a name for them. We asked Him to show us a bit about each one and lead us to the right name for this new little person. We recognized the naming as just the beginning of choices and decisions we would make for that child. We also knew that we would need to stay in a posture of seeking God on behalf of our children from the beginning.

Interestingly, when I was pregnant with Abigail I kept having dreams that we were supposed to name our daughter Joy and Grace, but neither David or I were ready to commit to those names. To be honest, I discounted the dreams because I did not want to use either of those names.

David and I really liked the name Abigail, often talked about it as a possibility, and wondered if it was the name God was giving us for this little one. However, we were not convinced. Another name we considered was Patricia. David's mom, Patricia, was failing, and cancer had numbered her days. We planned to fly the girls out to Michigan to see her after the baby was born, if God allowed Patricia to be with us that long. She hoped she could meet her new grandchild. David and I wondered if we should name our little girl after her. We loved the idea of her being both honored and remembered in this way. Near this time we received a card in the mail from David’s mom who in her post script suggested the name Abigail (without knowing we were considering the name).

The next day also without knowing we were considering the name Abigail or about Patricia’s note, my mom asked me what we thought about the name Abigail. We were then convinced and it was decided - she was to be Abigail.

Abba, Aramaic, is translated “Daddy,” “dear Father,” or “papa.” Gila, giyl, and giylah are some of the Hebrew words that one can use to express '”joy.” Thus, Abigail means Father’s Joy. And I believe this little girl experiences the fullness of joy that her Heavenly Father has for her and subsequently brings Him and others joy.

Abigail still needed a middle name. David and I both loved the name Charis and came to find out that Charis (Greek) meant Grace. Remember my dreams. This was becoming uncanny! It wasn’t until after she was named and I was writing a letter to a friend that I remembered those dreams.

Renee is my middle name and we also wanted Abigail to have a family name, just as her sister Moriah Elizabeth did. We liked Renee (French) which means Reborn. And we really liked the meaning of the two names together, Grace Reborn. And this is how she became Abigail Karyss-Renee Busch.

Abigail did get to meet her grandma a few weeks before she passed. And I believe even then in a very unique way Abigail was able to bring joy.

Abigail Karyss-Renee Busch, My Father’s Joy full of Grace Reborn, this is only the beginning of your story.